Goodbye 2012...Hello 2013

As 2012 comes to an end and we begin 2013 I am excited to welcome the new year.  This is the year for us!  I feel like this is going to be the year that good things happen for us.  We have been shown unconditional love by so many people lately.  The generosity of people is incredible!  People have donated so much to us and there is no way we could ever say thank you enough.  It is within 2 weeks of beginning this crazy coaster of IVF.  There is so many different emotions I feel right now.  Anxious, excited, scared, nervous, you name it and I'm probably feeling it.  This has been 5 1/2 years in the making and even though I am nervous I am so ready!  I am lucky to have an amazing husband for support and of course our family and friends.  I know we couldn't do this if we didn't have such amazing support.  The kind words, donations, and people just giving us a hug means more than anyone knows.  IVF is such a huge financial burden and we have been doing everything we can from working overtime at work to selling as much as we can.  But the people donating to us has been huge!  Especially in this economy we know how tight money is for families and for people to donate to us is amazing.  I feel like I am repeating myself over and over but we are so overwhelmed by people.  It's amazing!  I have always been told that it takes a village to raise a child but I am also realizing that it takes a village to help a family conceive the child.  :)

For the future....

I have tried finding ways to cope with this fertility roller coaster we have been on the last 5 1/2 years.  I have realized writing is therapeutic for me!  I have always had a difficult time during the holidays and of course Mother's and Father's day.  I decided that maybe writing to my future child would help and maybe one day he or she could read it.  Plus I feel like it is a positive outlet.  Some people may think I'm crazy but anyone who has been through this journey will totally understand.  So here is my first letter.

My Dearest Child,

 It's December, my favorite, and least favorite time of the year. I love Christmas because it's my favorite holiday to spend with our family but, I also struggle with it because we don't have you in our lives yet. This will be our fifth Christmas praying for you, and wishing you were here. It's hard to celebrate the birth of a child, when you are struggling to have your own. I so desperately want you here to celebrate with us. I can't wait to see the wonder and amazement in your eyes, the joy on Christmas morning, to have our tree decorated with construction paper ornaments made by you, to watch Daddy hold you up to put the angel on the top of the tree, to read you The Night Before Christmas, to tell you all about why Christmas is so wonderful, and important. I can't wait to share everything with you! 

Sometimes it's so hard to watch other people get ready and talk about how much their children enjoyed Christmas, and we don't have that. We don't have you yet. It's so hard to go shopping for other people's kids, when I just wish I had you to buy things for. I just love you so much. I think the thing that makes Christmas so hard is seeing everyone else celebrating with their children, and so happy and full of joy, and wrapped up in their kids, and celebrating life. Daddy and I love each other so much, and love celebrating together, and with family, but we feel like you're missing from the picture.  Mommy and Daddy love spoiling Ally, Kaden, Gianna, and Camberlyn but we can't wait to spoil you and watch you play with all of your cousins.  We can't wait to take you to Daddy's fire station and Mommy's station to introduce you to your "other family". We can't wait to meet you, and share everything with you. 

I know that one day we'll all be celebrating together. I know one day we'll get to see the excitement on your face on Christmas morning, one day our tree will be filled with your creations, one day you'll put the angel on top of the tree, one day I will get to buy you presents. One day God will finally let us know that we're ready to meet you. Until that day comes I'll keep praying for you, loving you, hoping for you, and waiting for you. I hope to be the best mommy I can be for you. I hope to make all your Christmases memorable, I want you to know how much you were wanted, and thought about, and even a little extra so this time of year. Who knows, maybe next Christmas I'll be reading you this letter? 

 Love,

Mommy