For the future....

I have tried finding ways to cope with this fertility roller coaster we have been on the last 5 1/2 years.  I have realized writing is therapeutic for me!  I have always had a difficult time during the holidays and of course Mother's and Father's day.  I decided that maybe writing to my future child would help and maybe one day he or she could read it.  Plus I feel like it is a positive outlet.  Some people may think I'm crazy but anyone who has been through this journey will totally understand.  So here is my first letter.

My Dearest Child,

 It's December, my favorite, and least favorite time of the year. I love Christmas because it's my favorite holiday to spend with our family but, I also struggle with it because we don't have you in our lives yet. This will be our fifth Christmas praying for you, and wishing you were here. It's hard to celebrate the birth of a child, when you are struggling to have your own. I so desperately want you here to celebrate with us. I can't wait to see the wonder and amazement in your eyes, the joy on Christmas morning, to have our tree decorated with construction paper ornaments made by you, to watch Daddy hold you up to put the angel on the top of the tree, to read you The Night Before Christmas, to tell you all about why Christmas is so wonderful, and important. I can't wait to share everything with you! 

Sometimes it's so hard to watch other people get ready and talk about how much their children enjoyed Christmas, and we don't have that. We don't have you yet. It's so hard to go shopping for other people's kids, when I just wish I had you to buy things for. I just love you so much. I think the thing that makes Christmas so hard is seeing everyone else celebrating with their children, and so happy and full of joy, and wrapped up in their kids, and celebrating life. Daddy and I love each other so much, and love celebrating together, and with family, but we feel like you're missing from the picture.  Mommy and Daddy love spoiling Ally, Kaden, Gianna, and Camberlyn but we can't wait to spoil you and watch you play with all of your cousins.  We can't wait to take you to Daddy's fire station and Mommy's station to introduce you to your "other family". We can't wait to meet you, and share everything with you. 

I know that one day we'll all be celebrating together. I know one day we'll get to see the excitement on your face on Christmas morning, one day our tree will be filled with your creations, one day you'll put the angel on top of the tree, one day I will get to buy you presents. One day God will finally let us know that we're ready to meet you. Until that day comes I'll keep praying for you, loving you, hoping for you, and waiting for you. I hope to be the best mommy I can be for you. I hope to make all your Christmases memorable, I want you to know how much you were wanted, and thought about, and even a little extra so this time of year. Who knows, maybe next Christmas I'll be reading you this letter? 

 Love,

Mommy

I know, I know!

I know it has been far too long since my last post.  It has been a little crazy at our house.  Today I am at work sitting outside enjoying the night weather before it gets to hot and as I look around I am thinking about how blessed I am.  This September will be our 5th wedding anniversary and I am so excited to celebrate with our friends and family.  By this time next week I will be done with my bachelors degree and Tony is only 8 weeks away from being done and then he will be starting his masters degree.  I am so incredibly proud of him and his accomplishments.  Even though we have had a rocky five years with all of the baby stuff I feel like it has taught us a lot.  It has taught me how strong and how weak I can be.  It has taught me that the man I married is my absolute best friend and will be here for our family no matter what.  I have learned how strong my marriage is because going through this journey makes you go through good and bad times and we have made it through all of it TOGETHER!  I am so grateful for the friends and family that has supported us through the last five years.  Going to doctor appointments, coming over when we just needed to be cheered up, or making us dinner because we had a rough day at the doctor.  People don't understand how much just a simple text message can mean to someone.  So basically to sum it up I am thankful for everyone in my life and I am just happy!

Here's to new beginnigs!

As my start date for my new "adventure" gets closer I am getting a little more nervous.  I have done this before and I know the grass isn't always greener but in this case it is what is best for my family.  It is a bittersweet feeling for me to leave this time.  I have met some awesome people and made friendships with some girls that I love!  I'm hoping that we can still make time for each other because I am going to miss them terribly.  I am hoping this year will be the year of changes and our luck changing for the better.  Maybe some new starts, changes, and adventures is just what we need to turn everything around.  One change I am looking for this year is just to have a new start in general.  I have noticed lately that there is always a nickname or stigma attached to people and that is how you are known, even if what people say is not true.  I'm tired of being known for things that other people think is true.  I'm ready for new beginnings!  I am tired of being known as the one who came from Wickenburg, the one who can't have a baby, the one who grew up in Bagdad, and the one I love "oh aren't you the one who is just an EMT" .......  I could go on and on and even though some of these are true it doesn't define who I am.  I am a person who loves being married to my best friend, loves being with my friends, loves spending time with my family, would do anything for my nieces and nephews, loves being in the outdoors, always wanting to learn new things, and would do anything to hear my nieces and nephews giggle everyday for the rest of their life.  I am so thankful for the true friends and family I have in my life right now. When I say I am ready for new changes and new beginnings I am hoping that people will get to know me, and not base impressions off of what others who don't know me say.  Here's to new beginnigs!

Adventures

Yet again it has been awhile but there has been a lot going on with us.  I have still been working in Prescott which has still made the baby process pretty much a no go.  I have 3 more shifts in Prescott this week and I will no longer been coming up here.  I have decided to start a new adventure and accepted a job with Thunderbird Hospital.  I am excited and nervous to start this new job but it is what is best for us.  Not only is it closer to home, better pay, and better benefits but it is an awesome schedule which means we can start the baby process again in full swing!  With this schedule we will have more time for baby stuff and each other.  After speaking with my fertility specialist we will only give this a try 2 more times before moving on to IVF.  All of the process scares me but the end result is worth it.  It's the getting to the end that feels difficult.  I'm hoping that with the better schedule and no more traveling it will cut my stress and I am more than ready for that!  I'm ready for new adventures!

Crazy Days

Have you ever had those days where you feel like you can't keep up with your schedule?  That's my life lately!  Between all the driving back and forth to work, working, school, and trying to fit in family time there really isn't much time left for anything especially some me time.  I think with all the craziness that I call my life, I have lost myself somewhere.  I have had some hard reality checks lately and I'm not sure exactly how to fix it.  I need about 3 more of me and then it would be a piece of cake!  I figure baby steps is the only way to start making changes.  Now fingers crossed I can make this happen!

Out with the old and in with the new.

It's been a long time since I have been on here but life has been a little crazy around here.  I'm still working in Prescott and its not the most ideal situation for me.  I'm driving a lot and staying the night up there more than I am home.  2011 had its ups and downs for us and we are hoping 2012 will bring positive changes and opportunities for us.  Luckily we have ended    2011 and a positive note so hopefully thats a good sign for 2012.  In 2011 we made amazing memories with family and friends and I can't wait to make even more this year.  Hopefully this will be the year that our luck turns around and our hopes and dreams will become a reality. We have such amazing people that are always by our side that I wouldnt trade for anything.

Long time

Well it's been quite awhile since my last post.  I am still adjusting to my work schedule which isn't happening as fast as I wish it would.  It snowed yesterday and was COLD.  It was very pretty but I was not ready for snow.  I guess I have lived in the city a little to long.  We went on our elk hunt a few weeks ago which was my first elk hunt ever.  I was excited to go and have this experience but unfortunately I did not get an elk.  My sister in law and uncle did so it was fun to help them.  We also both got deer tags and Tony got one on opening morning.  SHOW OFF!  :) Not as much luck for me but I am going back out for another day so hopefully that will be my time.  I'm so excited for the holidays this year except that I have to work almost all of them.  I love the holiday season!  We wish that we could be celebrating with a new addition but hopefully things will fall into place soon and that dream will be a reality.