4 years of hope

Over the last week or two I have started working my new schedule and I'm not gonna lie its gonna take some time to get used to.  It's a much different world then what I was used too.  Luckily I have a good partner and the other crews on my shift are great too.  The downside to this schedule is I feel like I'm missing a lot of family time and I'm not getting to see my husband very much.  I do a lot of traveling each week even though I am staying with family on the nights I'm on shift.  I usually get to come home for about a day and a half before having to go back.  On the bright side we have an appointment with the adoption agency in a few days which also happens to be our anniversary.  It will be our 4th anniversary and looking back on those four years I realize how much we have experienced.  With all of the fertility procedures, testing, and emotions that comes with it has only made us stronger.  Even though there are days that we feel weak we know we must be strong and look for the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Fears

I was watching TV earlier and saw a show about a famous couple who are struggling with infertility.  It is nice to see someone with every resources at their fingertips struggle just like us.  The feelings I have about IVF (invitro fertilization) other women feel as well.  The nervousness, the fear of pain, the fear of failure, and even the fear of it being successful.  I'm not gonna lie there are days it's not easy to stay positive and I wish that there was a fast forward button to see how this is going to play out.  Which ever direction we decide to go I'm just excited to see what happens.  I hope the choices we make now will make our kids proud.

What a way to start the day

So I have my first two shifts under my belt and it wasn't the easiest I have to say.  My first day I was getting ready and I stay with family in between my shifts so I don't have to drive as much and my Grandma has a vanity mirror that I was using to put my makeup on.  I hear a pop and look down and saw the mirror had cracked about 2 inches.  Of course I am angry now because this is not how I want to start my first day.  So after a few curse words and throwing a small fit I go back to getting ready and the dang mirror cracks the rest of the way to the edge.  All I could say was COME ON!!!  So after this I'm worried how my day will be since I am a little superstitious when it comes to work.  So of course I fell out of the ambulance once, got thrown up on, and felt pretty lost in the area all day.  My second day was a little easier thank goodness even though we stayed pretty busy. Being away from home for days at a time is rough and makes me pretty homesick.  It's a little harder than I thought it would be but I'm sure eventually it will get a little easier.  Other than that nothing to exciting has happened with us.  Which isn't a bad thing! 

Ice cream and stress......What a great combo!

Well this week has been kinda like a roller coaster for us. Right after we decided to move forward with the adoption, I got the news that I may be getting moved to a full time spot in Prescott. Which means more driving, waking up at 3am, and less money. And I only get this spot as long as I have the most seniority of everyone putting in for it. If I don't get this spot then I will have no full time position at all. After getting this news we decided the adoption is not the best idea right now since we don't really know whats going on yet. So with everything going on I have been under a lot of stress. My sister was letting me vent the other night and I told her I was going home to get "chip faced". And that's exactly what I did! A nice bowl of ice cream always makes you feel better. :)

Just smile and nod

It's been a little crazy around our house lately. My birthday was on the 31st and a few days before that I thought we were going to a friends house for dinner but I was shocked to find out that it was a surprise birthday party for me. I couldn't believe it, I've never had a surprise party before. I'm never a big fan of my birthday, one because no one ever likes getting older, and two it reminds me I'm getting older and still have no kids. My in laws threw a BBQ for me on my birthday as well. The guys I work with at my station also bought me an ice cream cake and of course had a candle on it that was a headstone and said over the hill, to old to count. Talk about making a girl feel special. :) I feel like a lucky girl to have such amazing people in my life. Lately I've been feeling a little lost and can't seem to find myself. I can't seem to decide "what I want to be when I grow up", what I want to major in, and honestly I could go on and on. Right around my birthday is always a little tougher for me because I have not seem my dad since my 9th birthday party. So 18 years later I have a lot of questions that unfortunately will probably never be answered. I think this is one reason I feel lost sometimes. I basically have a half of my life that I have no idea about. This makes me want a baby even more than usual too. I swear if one more person says "just relax it will happen" one more time I may go postal. Sometime it takes everything I have to smile and nod when I'm told that. I always want to say until you have been in my shoes please keep your comments to yourself. Fertility treatments, medications, disappointment, and hurt feelings have been something that Tony and I have had to get used. I always have a feeling of guilt too when our families ask how much longer till you have a baby. I wish there was something more I could do but this is one thing I have no control over which is difficult because I can be a control freak!

Feeling Old

I usually am not to excited for my birthday ( which is on the 31st) because I'm not to excited about getting older. Then today I realized I felt a whole lot older than the 27 I'm turning. My partners and I were called to a mountain rescue today and it was 108 degrees out. Luckily I sweet talked one of the officers into driving us up the mountain as far as his vehicle would go. Even with him driving us up we still had to hike a little ways carrying our equipment. All of us were pretty worn out by the end of this call. Once we got back to the station I sat down and realized how old I felt because of how tired I was. Then this evening I went and made my bed and was going to go ahead and lay down and I looked at the clock and it was only 8:15 pm and then I really felt old. Oh well I don't care we worked hard today! But I did decide to stay up a little longer to prevent the teasing from the other guys. At least I have three days off to rest back up though!

The Little Things

I love that I'm noticing more of the little things lately. I have was having "one of those days" the other day and I wasn't in a bad mood just not in a great mood. So while we were out running errons we met up with Holly, Wayne and the kids to say hi for a few minutes. As soon as we walk into the restaurant we hear this little voice yelling "Uncle Tony Aunt Sunny Uncle Tony Aunt Sunny!" and his little arm waving in the air at us. Then here comes Ally running towards us and Kaden following right behind to give us hugs. I instantly forgot about what was wrong earlier because now I was more than happy just sitting with the kids coloring and practicing colors with Kaden and coloring with Ally while she tole me about her totally new pink with sparkles swim suit she got. ( In her words) Then we all decided to go to Costco and Ally wanted to ride with us over. While we were in the car she was telling us how much she loves us. Tony asked her if she loves him more then me and you can tell she didn't want to hurt his feelings so she says "Well Uncle Tony I love you medium but I love Aunt Sunny large size". We couldn't help but laugh! Days like this are some of the best memories and if these things make me this happy I can't wait to see what it will be like when we have our own kids.