Ice cream and stress......What a great combo!

Well this week has been kinda like a roller coaster for us. Right after we decided to move forward with the adoption, I got the news that I may be getting moved to a full time spot in Prescott. Which means more driving, waking up at 3am, and less money. And I only get this spot as long as I have the most seniority of everyone putting in for it. If I don't get this spot then I will have no full time position at all. After getting this news we decided the adoption is not the best idea right now since we don't really know whats going on yet. So with everything going on I have been under a lot of stress. My sister was letting me vent the other night and I told her I was going home to get "chip faced". And that's exactly what I did! A nice bowl of ice cream always makes you feel better. :)

Just smile and nod

It's been a little crazy around our house lately. My birthday was on the 31st and a few days before that I thought we were going to a friends house for dinner but I was shocked to find out that it was a surprise birthday party for me. I couldn't believe it, I've never had a surprise party before. I'm never a big fan of my birthday, one because no one ever likes getting older, and two it reminds me I'm getting older and still have no kids. My in laws threw a BBQ for me on my birthday as well. The guys I work with at my station also bought me an ice cream cake and of course had a candle on it that was a headstone and said over the hill, to old to count. Talk about making a girl feel special. :) I feel like a lucky girl to have such amazing people in my life. Lately I've been feeling a little lost and can't seem to find myself. I can't seem to decide "what I want to be when I grow up", what I want to major in, and honestly I could go on and on. Right around my birthday is always a little tougher for me because I have not seem my dad since my 9th birthday party. So 18 years later I have a lot of questions that unfortunately will probably never be answered. I think this is one reason I feel lost sometimes. I basically have a half of my life that I have no idea about. This makes me want a baby even more than usual too. I swear if one more person says "just relax it will happen" one more time I may go postal. Sometime it takes everything I have to smile and nod when I'm told that. I always want to say until you have been in my shoes please keep your comments to yourself. Fertility treatments, medications, disappointment, and hurt feelings have been something that Tony and I have had to get used. I always have a feeling of guilt too when our families ask how much longer till you have a baby. I wish there was something more I could do but this is one thing I have no control over which is difficult because I can be a control freak!

Feeling Old

I usually am not to excited for my birthday ( which is on the 31st) because I'm not to excited about getting older. Then today I realized I felt a whole lot older than the 27 I'm turning. My partners and I were called to a mountain rescue today and it was 108 degrees out. Luckily I sweet talked one of the officers into driving us up the mountain as far as his vehicle would go. Even with him driving us up we still had to hike a little ways carrying our equipment. All of us were pretty worn out by the end of this call. Once we got back to the station I sat down and realized how old I felt because of how tired I was. Then this evening I went and made my bed and was going to go ahead and lay down and I looked at the clock and it was only 8:15 pm and then I really felt old. Oh well I don't care we worked hard today! But I did decide to stay up a little longer to prevent the teasing from the other guys. At least I have three days off to rest back up though!

The Little Things

I love that I'm noticing more of the little things lately. I have was having "one of those days" the other day and I wasn't in a bad mood just not in a great mood. So while we were out running errons we met up with Holly, Wayne and the kids to say hi for a few minutes. As soon as we walk into the restaurant we hear this little voice yelling "Uncle Tony Aunt Sunny Uncle Tony Aunt Sunny!" and his little arm waving in the air at us. Then here comes Ally running towards us and Kaden following right behind to give us hugs. I instantly forgot about what was wrong earlier because now I was more than happy just sitting with the kids coloring and practicing colors with Kaden and coloring with Ally while she tole me about her totally new pink with sparkles swim suit she got. ( In her words) Then we all decided to go to Costco and Ally wanted to ride with us over. While we were in the car she was telling us how much she loves us. Tony asked her if she loves him more then me and you can tell she didn't want to hurt his feelings so she says "Well Uncle Tony I love you medium but I love Aunt Sunny large size". We couldn't help but laugh! Days like this are some of the best memories and if these things make me this happy I can't wait to see what it will be like when we have our own kids.

It will change.....right?

I always say if I didn't have bad luck I would have no luck at all. I know this isn't totally true but some days it does feel like it. People at work tease me that I have a poo magnet. Some call it a poo magnet some call it a black cloud, either way it seems to follow me. At this point it has followed me so long I just try and laugh it off. There is always that one little thing that I can't seem to laugh off.......a baby. Tony and I have been trying for a baby for four years with no luck. We have been through all of the testing, which by the way is not an easy thing. I have been put on oral fertility medications with no luck. We have also done fertility treatments with medications and shots, with no luck. I always ask myself, it will change...right? I can only hope. This is something that has been the most difficult thing we have ever had to deal with in our entire life. Now we are at a cross road of do we continue fertility treatments, do we adopt, or do we say it's over and say this is how things are supposed to be. If we continue fertility treatments or adopt we will need money for it. Which as a firefighter and an EMT we don't have a lot of money. This is also frustrating for us because we have other options unfortunately without money they are basically impossible. This is when we wish we had a rich family member or someone who would want to be a gestational carrier for us. HAHAHA! If only it was that easy right?! All we can do is keep doing what we can and hope that one of these days something will change.

"I will give you a chance"

For anyone who knows my niece Ally you know there is always a funny story associated with her. Day before yesterday Tony and I went to my sister in laws house to visit and Ally wanted to play Wii. So she finally talked us into playing bowling and Tony played first against her. Ally started off beating Tony with two strikes in a row. After each strike she says "if you want to be as good as me uncle Tony you need to practice more!" She kept the trash talking up the whole game and we couldn't help but laugh as we watched. Needless to say, Tony lost. So now it's my turn to play Ally. I told her I'm not very good at playing bowling and she says "oh it's ok aunt Sunny I will give you a chance". She purposely would get a gutter ball or miss and then look at me and say "see I give you a chance!" If I only hit one pin down Ally would put her hand on my shoulder or pat my back and say "oh you did so good" or "good job aunt Sunny!" She cracks me up and I would not trade any of these memories for anything! There has been a few times that when she says something nice, I tear up a little. I love it when she says I'm her best friend. I just hope it stays that way forever!

This crazy life I love!

I have been trying to think of how to start out this blog and what to share. So I decided the best way to start is to dive right in! First of all my name is Sunny, and yes it is my real name. I am an EMT and I am married to a firefighter/EMT. Which kind of hints towards the title of "This crazy life I love". My husbands name is Tony and we have been married almost four years now. We are both full time students plus we work full time as well so we tend to stay pretty busy. There is days that we may only see each other in passing but we seem to make it work! We are very lucky to have a BIG family that is very supportive. We don't always get to celebrate holidays or if we do it may not be on the actual day of the holiday but our family always makes sure we some how get to celebrate together. As crazy as our lifestyle is, we seem to make it as normal as possible. Tony and I do not have kids but we have nieces and nephews which is just as wonderful! We don't get to see all of them very much but we do get to see two of them pretty often. We love to spend time with Allyson and Kaden! These two kids can put a smile on our face no matter what. Hearing them laugh is something I will never get tired of. Luckily their parents let us spend time with them as much as we want. Tony has two sisters and one brother and I have one little sister and an older step sister and brother as well. We also have our best friend's (which has become our family) and their daughter Gianna or Peanut as I call her. I love that little peanut! Between all these people we have a lot of family! Then you add our "work family" on top of this and yet again all you can say is "I love this crazy life"!