Hurry and wait

     The title of this blog is 100% my life.  It is crazy and busy but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  Our fertility journey is going good.  We are basically at a hurry up and wait stage right now.  The doctor was able to retrieve plenty of eggs and we had a bunch fertilize.  After the doctors did their  thing and testing on them we didn't end up with as many as we wanted but we are thankful for what we got!  Now it's time to take meds and let my body rest a bit and then next month its go time!  We will be adding a few more shots, lots of meds, and lots of nervousness.  There will be lots of trips to Scottsdale but luckily Tony will be able to be with me most of the appointments.
     I've had to learn a lot throughout this journey; patients, strength, and how to give up control to the doctor.  I realize now I can't control how this works out but I can try to better myself as much as I can.  I have seen how important our support system has been and even the littles things can brighten a rough day for us.
Hopefully time keeps going by as fast as it has and we can get to the finish line!

Finding my groove

I am almost a week into my shots and I think I finally have this schedule down.  Just in time to add more medications soon!  All of the new medications have been shipped and should be here soon!  The time seems to be flying by so hopefully it stays this way.  It took a few days to find my groove but now that I have it, it has been much easier.  In the end all of the medications, shots, traveling, and sickness will be worth it.  All of the testing we need is done and now we are almost ready to hit the next of many milestones in this journey, the egg retrieval.  Once this step is done we have one more big milestone which is the embryo transfer and the last milestone which I think may be the longest wait is waiting the 2 weeks to be able to take a pregnancy test!
We are still trying to do fundraisers and sell everything we can to help with IVF costs.  I am glad we thought about this for the last few years to help prepare us.  Luckily we have awesome friends and family that have helped with fundraising in different ways for us.  It has been a huge stress reliever for Tony and I!

Lots to learn

It's been a little crazy around our house lately.  Between learning new medication schedules, learning what meds to take and more importantly when to take them, and how to take the meds it takes up a lot of our time.  Everything needs to be on time and taken on just the right day.  It amazes me how this whole IVF process works.  So far we have done lots of ultrasounds, blood draws, and learning the meds but it isn't as overwhelming as I was expecting. Luckily our doctor makes us a color coded calendar so we can keep track of everything.  Next month is when we do the egg retrieval and March is when we do the embryo transfer!  Everything is finally happening and it seems to be moving along fast!  
We have so much to learn and every time we go to the fertility clinic we are given more paperwork that we need to go through.  The IVF process is very complex but its incredibly interesting.  It amazes me what doctors can do with the technology available.  

It takes a village...or a small town

     I have always heard the saying that it takes a village to raise a child.  Well in our case it takes a small town to help conceive a child and then raise it.  I know this sounds funny but its so true in our case!  I am speechless at the kindness of people in our small town.  A very special person who has been in my life a long time and my mom started an auction for us and people have been so kind to donate items and bid on items.  Some of the people don't even know Tony and I and they have been so kind to help out perfect strangers.  We are so lucky to have such amazing people in our life.  Even with how the economy is, and having a family of their own to take care of, people are still helping us out.  We are so thankful and there really isn't enough ways to say thank you.
     We are getting excited to start the IVF roller coaster and experience this miracle.  We finally feel calm about the situation.  We have an amazing doctor that we both like and the clinic is amazing!  Of course it is in Scottsdale so as you can imagine it lives up to the city's name also.  Everyone in the office is amazing and so supportive.  Our families are behind us 100% and our friends are so amazing and here for us throughout the journey.  I feel less stress this time around and I think that is a good sign!

Holy moly....

No one can say they have never made mistakes, we all do it.  I have noticed lately my mind has been all over the place and mistakes are being made.  I have screwed up, hurt feelings, and disappointed myself and others.  I admit that I have been selfish and not thought things through because I have so much on my plate.  I have let others make decisions for me because I have been overwhelmed and I should of fixed it right away and I didn't.  I try to explain myself and why I haven't been myself lately but I don't think it helps.  We have so many things to do with the IVF process that most people don't know about an its overwhelming.  We have had to make sacrifices that most families never would have to make or even think about.  Some of the sacrifices have taken a toll on friendships, finances, family time, and our own personal life.  Its hard now and I wish things could change but to reach the ultimate goal we have to do this.  We have sold things that mean a lot to us, we have gone down to the bare minimum at home, and we have worked over time as much as possible.  It is a long process and we have to keep telling ourself it may be hard now but it will be worth it.  This journey flips your life upside down and you feel emotions that most people can't imagine, and this is all before a baby is even here.  There are days that everything becomes so heavy on my shoulders that all I can do is sit down, take a deep breath and remind myself if people love us they will understand.  My "to-do" list for just the IVF stuff is so long that is becomes overwhelming but I have to get it done.  Between doctor appointments, ultrasounds, driving to Scottsdale, blood draws, ordering tons of meds, and the financial part that goes with every step, I have a lot to keep track of.  But this is what I want more than anything and I say BRING IT ON! I know Tony and I can do this, I just hope everyone in our life can try to understand what is involved and can take that into consideration.  Most families I know have never even had to think about fertility but this is what our life revolves around right now.  So to those I have hurt or upset, I'm sorry!  But I am also sorry that we have to be selfish right now to make our dreams come true.  I hope everyone understands.....

Goodbye 2012...Hello 2013

As 2012 comes to an end and we begin 2013 I am excited to welcome the new year.  This is the year for us!  I feel like this is going to be the year that good things happen for us.  We have been shown unconditional love by so many people lately.  The generosity of people is incredible!  People have donated so much to us and there is no way we could ever say thank you enough.  It is within 2 weeks of beginning this crazy coaster of IVF.  There is so many different emotions I feel right now.  Anxious, excited, scared, nervous, you name it and I'm probably feeling it.  This has been 5 1/2 years in the making and even though I am nervous I am so ready!  I am lucky to have an amazing husband for support and of course our family and friends.  I know we couldn't do this if we didn't have such amazing support.  The kind words, donations, and people just giving us a hug means more than anyone knows.  IVF is such a huge financial burden and we have been doing everything we can from working overtime at work to selling as much as we can.  But the people donating to us has been huge!  Especially in this economy we know how tight money is for families and for people to donate to us is amazing.  I feel like I am repeating myself over and over but we are so overwhelmed by people.  It's amazing!  I have always been told that it takes a village to raise a child but I am also realizing that it takes a village to help a family conceive the child.  :)

For the future....

I have tried finding ways to cope with this fertility roller coaster we have been on the last 5 1/2 years.  I have realized writing is therapeutic for me!  I have always had a difficult time during the holidays and of course Mother's and Father's day.  I decided that maybe writing to my future child would help and maybe one day he or she could read it.  Plus I feel like it is a positive outlet.  Some people may think I'm crazy but anyone who has been through this journey will totally understand.  So here is my first letter.

My Dearest Child,

 It's December, my favorite, and least favorite time of the year. I love Christmas because it's my favorite holiday to spend with our family but, I also struggle with it because we don't have you in our lives yet. This will be our fifth Christmas praying for you, and wishing you were here. It's hard to celebrate the birth of a child, when you are struggling to have your own. I so desperately want you here to celebrate with us. I can't wait to see the wonder and amazement in your eyes, the joy on Christmas morning, to have our tree decorated with construction paper ornaments made by you, to watch Daddy hold you up to put the angel on the top of the tree, to read you The Night Before Christmas, to tell you all about why Christmas is so wonderful, and important. I can't wait to share everything with you! 

Sometimes it's so hard to watch other people get ready and talk about how much their children enjoyed Christmas, and we don't have that. We don't have you yet. It's so hard to go shopping for other people's kids, when I just wish I had you to buy things for. I just love you so much. I think the thing that makes Christmas so hard is seeing everyone else celebrating with their children, and so happy and full of joy, and wrapped up in their kids, and celebrating life. Daddy and I love each other so much, and love celebrating together, and with family, but we feel like you're missing from the picture.  Mommy and Daddy love spoiling Ally, Kaden, Gianna, and Camberlyn but we can't wait to spoil you and watch you play with all of your cousins.  We can't wait to take you to Daddy's fire station and Mommy's station to introduce you to your "other family". We can't wait to meet you, and share everything with you. 

I know that one day we'll all be celebrating together. I know one day we'll get to see the excitement on your face on Christmas morning, one day our tree will be filled with your creations, one day you'll put the angel on top of the tree, one day I will get to buy you presents. One day God will finally let us know that we're ready to meet you. Until that day comes I'll keep praying for you, loving you, hoping for you, and waiting for you. I hope to be the best mommy I can be for you. I hope to make all your Christmases memorable, I want you to know how much you were wanted, and thought about, and even a little extra so this time of year. Who knows, maybe next Christmas I'll be reading you this letter? 

 Love,

Mommy