It takes a village...or a small town

     I have always heard the saying that it takes a village to raise a child.  Well in our case it takes a small town to help conceive a child and then raise it.  I know this sounds funny but its so true in our case!  I am speechless at the kindness of people in our small town.  A very special person who has been in my life a long time and my mom started an auction for us and people have been so kind to donate items and bid on items.  Some of the people don't even know Tony and I and they have been so kind to help out perfect strangers.  We are so lucky to have such amazing people in our life.  Even with how the economy is, and having a family of their own to take care of, people are still helping us out.  We are so thankful and there really isn't enough ways to say thank you.
     We are getting excited to start the IVF roller coaster and experience this miracle.  We finally feel calm about the situation.  We have an amazing doctor that we both like and the clinic is amazing!  Of course it is in Scottsdale so as you can imagine it lives up to the city's name also.  Everyone in the office is amazing and so supportive.  Our families are behind us 100% and our friends are so amazing and here for us throughout the journey.  I feel less stress this time around and I think that is a good sign!

Holy moly....

No one can say they have never made mistakes, we all do it.  I have noticed lately my mind has been all over the place and mistakes are being made.  I have screwed up, hurt feelings, and disappointed myself and others.  I admit that I have been selfish and not thought things through because I have so much on my plate.  I have let others make decisions for me because I have been overwhelmed and I should of fixed it right away and I didn't.  I try to explain myself and why I haven't been myself lately but I don't think it helps.  We have so many things to do with the IVF process that most people don't know about an its overwhelming.  We have had to make sacrifices that most families never would have to make or even think about.  Some of the sacrifices have taken a toll on friendships, finances, family time, and our own personal life.  Its hard now and I wish things could change but to reach the ultimate goal we have to do this.  We have sold things that mean a lot to us, we have gone down to the bare minimum at home, and we have worked over time as much as possible.  It is a long process and we have to keep telling ourself it may be hard now but it will be worth it.  This journey flips your life upside down and you feel emotions that most people can't imagine, and this is all before a baby is even here.  There are days that everything becomes so heavy on my shoulders that all I can do is sit down, take a deep breath and remind myself if people love us they will understand.  My "to-do" list for just the IVF stuff is so long that is becomes overwhelming but I have to get it done.  Between doctor appointments, ultrasounds, driving to Scottsdale, blood draws, ordering tons of meds, and the financial part that goes with every step, I have a lot to keep track of.  But this is what I want more than anything and I say BRING IT ON! I know Tony and I can do this, I just hope everyone in our life can try to understand what is involved and can take that into consideration.  Most families I know have never even had to think about fertility but this is what our life revolves around right now.  So to those I have hurt or upset, I'm sorry!  But I am also sorry that we have to be selfish right now to make our dreams come true.  I hope everyone understands.....

Goodbye 2012...Hello 2013

As 2012 comes to an end and we begin 2013 I am excited to welcome the new year.  This is the year for us!  I feel like this is going to be the year that good things happen for us.  We have been shown unconditional love by so many people lately.  The generosity of people is incredible!  People have donated so much to us and there is no way we could ever say thank you enough.  It is within 2 weeks of beginning this crazy coaster of IVF.  There is so many different emotions I feel right now.  Anxious, excited, scared, nervous, you name it and I'm probably feeling it.  This has been 5 1/2 years in the making and even though I am nervous I am so ready!  I am lucky to have an amazing husband for support and of course our family and friends.  I know we couldn't do this if we didn't have such amazing support.  The kind words, donations, and people just giving us a hug means more than anyone knows.  IVF is such a huge financial burden and we have been doing everything we can from working overtime at work to selling as much as we can.  But the people donating to us has been huge!  Especially in this economy we know how tight money is for families and for people to donate to us is amazing.  I feel like I am repeating myself over and over but we are so overwhelmed by people.  It's amazing!  I have always been told that it takes a village to raise a child but I am also realizing that it takes a village to help a family conceive the child.  :)

For the future....

I have tried finding ways to cope with this fertility roller coaster we have been on the last 5 1/2 years.  I have realized writing is therapeutic for me!  I have always had a difficult time during the holidays and of course Mother's and Father's day.  I decided that maybe writing to my future child would help and maybe one day he or she could read it.  Plus I feel like it is a positive outlet.  Some people may think I'm crazy but anyone who has been through this journey will totally understand.  So here is my first letter.

My Dearest Child,

 It's December, my favorite, and least favorite time of the year. I love Christmas because it's my favorite holiday to spend with our family but, I also struggle with it because we don't have you in our lives yet. This will be our fifth Christmas praying for you, and wishing you were here. It's hard to celebrate the birth of a child, when you are struggling to have your own. I so desperately want you here to celebrate with us. I can't wait to see the wonder and amazement in your eyes, the joy on Christmas morning, to have our tree decorated with construction paper ornaments made by you, to watch Daddy hold you up to put the angel on the top of the tree, to read you The Night Before Christmas, to tell you all about why Christmas is so wonderful, and important. I can't wait to share everything with you! 

Sometimes it's so hard to watch other people get ready and talk about how much their children enjoyed Christmas, and we don't have that. We don't have you yet. It's so hard to go shopping for other people's kids, when I just wish I had you to buy things for. I just love you so much. I think the thing that makes Christmas so hard is seeing everyone else celebrating with their children, and so happy and full of joy, and wrapped up in their kids, and celebrating life. Daddy and I love each other so much, and love celebrating together, and with family, but we feel like you're missing from the picture.  Mommy and Daddy love spoiling Ally, Kaden, Gianna, and Camberlyn but we can't wait to spoil you and watch you play with all of your cousins.  We can't wait to take you to Daddy's fire station and Mommy's station to introduce you to your "other family". We can't wait to meet you, and share everything with you. 

I know that one day we'll all be celebrating together. I know one day we'll get to see the excitement on your face on Christmas morning, one day our tree will be filled with your creations, one day you'll put the angel on top of the tree, one day I will get to buy you presents. One day God will finally let us know that we're ready to meet you. Until that day comes I'll keep praying for you, loving you, hoping for you, and waiting for you. I hope to be the best mommy I can be for you. I hope to make all your Christmases memorable, I want you to know how much you were wanted, and thought about, and even a little extra so this time of year. Who knows, maybe next Christmas I'll be reading you this letter? 

 Love,

Mommy

I know, I know!

I know it has been far too long since my last post.  It has been a little crazy at our house.  Today I am at work sitting outside enjoying the night weather before it gets to hot and as I look around I am thinking about how blessed I am.  This September will be our 5th wedding anniversary and I am so excited to celebrate with our friends and family.  By this time next week I will be done with my bachelors degree and Tony is only 8 weeks away from being done and then he will be starting his masters degree.  I am so incredibly proud of him and his accomplishments.  Even though we have had a rocky five years with all of the baby stuff I feel like it has taught us a lot.  It has taught me how strong and how weak I can be.  It has taught me that the man I married is my absolute best friend and will be here for our family no matter what.  I have learned how strong my marriage is because going through this journey makes you go through good and bad times and we have made it through all of it TOGETHER!  I am so grateful for the friends and family that has supported us through the last five years.  Going to doctor appointments, coming over when we just needed to be cheered up, or making us dinner because we had a rough day at the doctor.  People don't understand how much just a simple text message can mean to someone.  So basically to sum it up I am thankful for everyone in my life and I am just happy!

Here's to new beginnigs!

As my start date for my new "adventure" gets closer I am getting a little more nervous.  I have done this before and I know the grass isn't always greener but in this case it is what is best for my family.  It is a bittersweet feeling for me to leave this time.  I have met some awesome people and made friendships with some girls that I love!  I'm hoping that we can still make time for each other because I am going to miss them terribly.  I am hoping this year will be the year of changes and our luck changing for the better.  Maybe some new starts, changes, and adventures is just what we need to turn everything around.  One change I am looking for this year is just to have a new start in general.  I have noticed lately that there is always a nickname or stigma attached to people and that is how you are known, even if what people say is not true.  I'm tired of being known for things that other people think is true.  I'm ready for new beginnings!  I am tired of being known as the one who came from Wickenburg, the one who can't have a baby, the one who grew up in Bagdad, and the one I love "oh aren't you the one who is just an EMT" .......  I could go on and on and even though some of these are true it doesn't define who I am.  I am a person who loves being married to my best friend, loves being with my friends, loves spending time with my family, would do anything for my nieces and nephews, loves being in the outdoors, always wanting to learn new things, and would do anything to hear my nieces and nephews giggle everyday for the rest of their life.  I am so thankful for the true friends and family I have in my life right now. When I say I am ready for new changes and new beginnings I am hoping that people will get to know me, and not base impressions off of what others who don't know me say.  Here's to new beginnigs!

Adventures

Yet again it has been awhile but there has been a lot going on with us.  I have still been working in Prescott which has still made the baby process pretty much a no go.  I have 3 more shifts in Prescott this week and I will no longer been coming up here.  I have decided to start a new adventure and accepted a job with Thunderbird Hospital.  I am excited and nervous to start this new job but it is what is best for us.  Not only is it closer to home, better pay, and better benefits but it is an awesome schedule which means we can start the baby process again in full swing!  With this schedule we will have more time for baby stuff and each other.  After speaking with my fertility specialist we will only give this a try 2 more times before moving on to IVF.  All of the process scares me but the end result is worth it.  It's the getting to the end that feels difficult.  I'm hoping that with the better schedule and no more traveling it will cut my stress and I am more than ready for that!  I'm ready for new adventures!