Flying by....

I must say that the time has flown by.  We are a couple of days away from the transfer day and I can't believe it is already here.  Everyone told me time will creep along but it has been complete opposite.  We started this journey 6 years ago in May and we began our IVF journey in December of 2012.  It will be in May that we get the transfer and no matter what happens this is an event that has changed our lives forever.  I will never forget this journey, the people that helped us, the nurses, the feelings, and hopefully finally seeing the positive pregnancy test that we have waited so long to see.  I think I have felt every emotion possible these last few days leading up to the transfer day.  Excited, nervous, scared, anxious, you name it and I've probably felt it.  I have been doing IM shots (intramuscular) that I will continue for a long time.  I was scared at first but I overcame a huge fear of mine which is giving myself a shot.  I have done my shots on my own the last few times and I think I am finally getting comfortable with it.  I am so thankful for the people in our lives that have helped us and supported us through this journey.

Hurry and wait

     The title of this blog is 100% my life.  It is crazy and busy but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  Our fertility journey is going good.  We are basically at a hurry up and wait stage right now.  The doctor was able to retrieve plenty of eggs and we had a bunch fertilize.  After the doctors did their  thing and testing on them we didn't end up with as many as we wanted but we are thankful for what we got!  Now it's time to take meds and let my body rest a bit and then next month its go time!  We will be adding a few more shots, lots of meds, and lots of nervousness.  There will be lots of trips to Scottsdale but luckily Tony will be able to be with me most of the appointments.
     I've had to learn a lot throughout this journey; patients, strength, and how to give up control to the doctor.  I realize now I can't control how this works out but I can try to better myself as much as I can.  I have seen how important our support system has been and even the littles things can brighten a rough day for us.
Hopefully time keeps going by as fast as it has and we can get to the finish line!

Finding my groove

I am almost a week into my shots and I think I finally have this schedule down.  Just in time to add more medications soon!  All of the new medications have been shipped and should be here soon!  The time seems to be flying by so hopefully it stays this way.  It took a few days to find my groove but now that I have it, it has been much easier.  In the end all of the medications, shots, traveling, and sickness will be worth it.  All of the testing we need is done and now we are almost ready to hit the next of many milestones in this journey, the egg retrieval.  Once this step is done we have one more big milestone which is the embryo transfer and the last milestone which I think may be the longest wait is waiting the 2 weeks to be able to take a pregnancy test!
We are still trying to do fundraisers and sell everything we can to help with IVF costs.  I am glad we thought about this for the last few years to help prepare us.  Luckily we have awesome friends and family that have helped with fundraising in different ways for us.  It has been a huge stress reliever for Tony and I!

Lots to learn

It's been a little crazy around our house lately.  Between learning new medication schedules, learning what meds to take and more importantly when to take them, and how to take the meds it takes up a lot of our time.  Everything needs to be on time and taken on just the right day.  It amazes me how this whole IVF process works.  So far we have done lots of ultrasounds, blood draws, and learning the meds but it isn't as overwhelming as I was expecting. Luckily our doctor makes us a color coded calendar so we can keep track of everything.  Next month is when we do the egg retrieval and March is when we do the embryo transfer!  Everything is finally happening and it seems to be moving along fast!  
We have so much to learn and every time we go to the fertility clinic we are given more paperwork that we need to go through.  The IVF process is very complex but its incredibly interesting.  It amazes me what doctors can do with the technology available.  

It takes a village...or a small town

     I have always heard the saying that it takes a village to raise a child.  Well in our case it takes a small town to help conceive a child and then raise it.  I know this sounds funny but its so true in our case!  I am speechless at the kindness of people in our small town.  A very special person who has been in my life a long time and my mom started an auction for us and people have been so kind to donate items and bid on items.  Some of the people don't even know Tony and I and they have been so kind to help out perfect strangers.  We are so lucky to have such amazing people in our life.  Even with how the economy is, and having a family of their own to take care of, people are still helping us out.  We are so thankful and there really isn't enough ways to say thank you.
     We are getting excited to start the IVF roller coaster and experience this miracle.  We finally feel calm about the situation.  We have an amazing doctor that we both like and the clinic is amazing!  Of course it is in Scottsdale so as you can imagine it lives up to the city's name also.  Everyone in the office is amazing and so supportive.  Our families are behind us 100% and our friends are so amazing and here for us throughout the journey.  I feel less stress this time around and I think that is a good sign!

Holy moly....

No one can say they have never made mistakes, we all do it.  I have noticed lately my mind has been all over the place and mistakes are being made.  I have screwed up, hurt feelings, and disappointed myself and others.  I admit that I have been selfish and not thought things through because I have so much on my plate.  I have let others make decisions for me because I have been overwhelmed and I should of fixed it right away and I didn't.  I try to explain myself and why I haven't been myself lately but I don't think it helps.  We have so many things to do with the IVF process that most people don't know about an its overwhelming.  We have had to make sacrifices that most families never would have to make or even think about.  Some of the sacrifices have taken a toll on friendships, finances, family time, and our own personal life.  Its hard now and I wish things could change but to reach the ultimate goal we have to do this.  We have sold things that mean a lot to us, we have gone down to the bare minimum at home, and we have worked over time as much as possible.  It is a long process and we have to keep telling ourself it may be hard now but it will be worth it.  This journey flips your life upside down and you feel emotions that most people can't imagine, and this is all before a baby is even here.  There are days that everything becomes so heavy on my shoulders that all I can do is sit down, take a deep breath and remind myself if people love us they will understand.  My "to-do" list for just the IVF stuff is so long that is becomes overwhelming but I have to get it done.  Between doctor appointments, ultrasounds, driving to Scottsdale, blood draws, ordering tons of meds, and the financial part that goes with every step, I have a lot to keep track of.  But this is what I want more than anything and I say BRING IT ON! I know Tony and I can do this, I just hope everyone in our life can try to understand what is involved and can take that into consideration.  Most families I know have never even had to think about fertility but this is what our life revolves around right now.  So to those I have hurt or upset, I'm sorry!  But I am also sorry that we have to be selfish right now to make our dreams come true.  I hope everyone understands.....

Goodbye 2012...Hello 2013

As 2012 comes to an end and we begin 2013 I am excited to welcome the new year.  This is the year for us!  I feel like this is going to be the year that good things happen for us.  We have been shown unconditional love by so many people lately.  The generosity of people is incredible!  People have donated so much to us and there is no way we could ever say thank you enough.  It is within 2 weeks of beginning this crazy coaster of IVF.  There is so many different emotions I feel right now.  Anxious, excited, scared, nervous, you name it and I'm probably feeling it.  This has been 5 1/2 years in the making and even though I am nervous I am so ready!  I am lucky to have an amazing husband for support and of course our family and friends.  I know we couldn't do this if we didn't have such amazing support.  The kind words, donations, and people just giving us a hug means more than anyone knows.  IVF is such a huge financial burden and we have been doing everything we can from working overtime at work to selling as much as we can.  But the people donating to us has been huge!  Especially in this economy we know how tight money is for families and for people to donate to us is amazing.  I feel like I am repeating myself over and over but we are so overwhelmed by people.  It's amazing!  I have always been told that it takes a village to raise a child but I am also realizing that it takes a village to help a family conceive the child.  :)

For the future....

I have tried finding ways to cope with this fertility roller coaster we have been on the last 5 1/2 years.  I have realized writing is therapeutic for me!  I have always had a difficult time during the holidays and of course Mother's and Father's day.  I decided that maybe writing to my future child would help and maybe one day he or she could read it.  Plus I feel like it is a positive outlet.  Some people may think I'm crazy but anyone who has been through this journey will totally understand.  So here is my first letter.

My Dearest Child,

 It's December, my favorite, and least favorite time of the year. I love Christmas because it's my favorite holiday to spend with our family but, I also struggle with it because we don't have you in our lives yet. This will be our fifth Christmas praying for you, and wishing you were here. It's hard to celebrate the birth of a child, when you are struggling to have your own. I so desperately want you here to celebrate with us. I can't wait to see the wonder and amazement in your eyes, the joy on Christmas morning, to have our tree decorated with construction paper ornaments made by you, to watch Daddy hold you up to put the angel on the top of the tree, to read you The Night Before Christmas, to tell you all about why Christmas is so wonderful, and important. I can't wait to share everything with you! 

Sometimes it's so hard to watch other people get ready and talk about how much their children enjoyed Christmas, and we don't have that. We don't have you yet. It's so hard to go shopping for other people's kids, when I just wish I had you to buy things for. I just love you so much. I think the thing that makes Christmas so hard is seeing everyone else celebrating with their children, and so happy and full of joy, and wrapped up in their kids, and celebrating life. Daddy and I love each other so much, and love celebrating together, and with family, but we feel like you're missing from the picture.  Mommy and Daddy love spoiling Ally, Kaden, Gianna, and Camberlyn but we can't wait to spoil you and watch you play with all of your cousins.  We can't wait to take you to Daddy's fire station and Mommy's station to introduce you to your "other family". We can't wait to meet you, and share everything with you. 

I know that one day we'll all be celebrating together. I know one day we'll get to see the excitement on your face on Christmas morning, one day our tree will be filled with your creations, one day you'll put the angel on top of the tree, one day I will get to buy you presents. One day God will finally let us know that we're ready to meet you. Until that day comes I'll keep praying for you, loving you, hoping for you, and waiting for you. I hope to be the best mommy I can be for you. I hope to make all your Christmases memorable, I want you to know how much you were wanted, and thought about, and even a little extra so this time of year. Who knows, maybe next Christmas I'll be reading you this letter? 

 Love,

Mommy

I know, I know!

I know it has been far too long since my last post.  It has been a little crazy at our house.  Today I am at work sitting outside enjoying the night weather before it gets to hot and as I look around I am thinking about how blessed I am.  This September will be our 5th wedding anniversary and I am so excited to celebrate with our friends and family.  By this time next week I will be done with my bachelors degree and Tony is only 8 weeks away from being done and then he will be starting his masters degree.  I am so incredibly proud of him and his accomplishments.  Even though we have had a rocky five years with all of the baby stuff I feel like it has taught us a lot.  It has taught me how strong and how weak I can be.  It has taught me that the man I married is my absolute best friend and will be here for our family no matter what.  I have learned how strong my marriage is because going through this journey makes you go through good and bad times and we have made it through all of it TOGETHER!  I am so grateful for the friends and family that has supported us through the last five years.  Going to doctor appointments, coming over when we just needed to be cheered up, or making us dinner because we had a rough day at the doctor.  People don't understand how much just a simple text message can mean to someone.  So basically to sum it up I am thankful for everyone in my life and I am just happy!

Here's to new beginnigs!

As my start date for my new "adventure" gets closer I am getting a little more nervous.  I have done this before and I know the grass isn't always greener but in this case it is what is best for my family.  It is a bittersweet feeling for me to leave this time.  I have met some awesome people and made friendships with some girls that I love!  I'm hoping that we can still make time for each other because I am going to miss them terribly.  I am hoping this year will be the year of changes and our luck changing for the better.  Maybe some new starts, changes, and adventures is just what we need to turn everything around.  One change I am looking for this year is just to have a new start in general.  I have noticed lately that there is always a nickname or stigma attached to people and that is how you are known, even if what people say is not true.  I'm tired of being known for things that other people think is true.  I'm ready for new beginnings!  I am tired of being known as the one who came from Wickenburg, the one who can't have a baby, the one who grew up in Bagdad, and the one I love "oh aren't you the one who is just an EMT" .......  I could go on and on and even though some of these are true it doesn't define who I am.  I am a person who loves being married to my best friend, loves being with my friends, loves spending time with my family, would do anything for my nieces and nephews, loves being in the outdoors, always wanting to learn new things, and would do anything to hear my nieces and nephews giggle everyday for the rest of their life.  I am so thankful for the true friends and family I have in my life right now. When I say I am ready for new changes and new beginnings I am hoping that people will get to know me, and not base impressions off of what others who don't know me say.  Here's to new beginnigs!

Adventures

Yet again it has been awhile but there has been a lot going on with us.  I have still been working in Prescott which has still made the baby process pretty much a no go.  I have 3 more shifts in Prescott this week and I will no longer been coming up here.  I have decided to start a new adventure and accepted a job with Thunderbird Hospital.  I am excited and nervous to start this new job but it is what is best for us.  Not only is it closer to home, better pay, and better benefits but it is an awesome schedule which means we can start the baby process again in full swing!  With this schedule we will have more time for baby stuff and each other.  After speaking with my fertility specialist we will only give this a try 2 more times before moving on to IVF.  All of the process scares me but the end result is worth it.  It's the getting to the end that feels difficult.  I'm hoping that with the better schedule and no more traveling it will cut my stress and I am more than ready for that!  I'm ready for new adventures!

Crazy Days

Have you ever had those days where you feel like you can't keep up with your schedule?  That's my life lately!  Between all the driving back and forth to work, working, school, and trying to fit in family time there really isn't much time left for anything especially some me time.  I think with all the craziness that I call my life, I have lost myself somewhere.  I have had some hard reality checks lately and I'm not sure exactly how to fix it.  I need about 3 more of me and then it would be a piece of cake!  I figure baby steps is the only way to start making changes.  Now fingers crossed I can make this happen!

Out with the old and in with the new.

It's been a long time since I have been on here but life has been a little crazy around here.  I'm still working in Prescott and its not the most ideal situation for me.  I'm driving a lot and staying the night up there more than I am home.  2011 had its ups and downs for us and we are hoping 2012 will bring positive changes and opportunities for us.  Luckily we have ended    2011 and a positive note so hopefully thats a good sign for 2012.  In 2011 we made amazing memories with family and friends and I can't wait to make even more this year.  Hopefully this will be the year that our luck turns around and our hopes and dreams will become a reality. We have such amazing people that are always by our side that I wouldnt trade for anything.

Long time

Well it's been quite awhile since my last post.  I am still adjusting to my work schedule which isn't happening as fast as I wish it would.  It snowed yesterday and was COLD.  It was very pretty but I was not ready for snow.  I guess I have lived in the city a little to long.  We went on our elk hunt a few weeks ago which was my first elk hunt ever.  I was excited to go and have this experience but unfortunately I did not get an elk.  My sister in law and uncle did so it was fun to help them.  We also both got deer tags and Tony got one on opening morning.  SHOW OFF!  :) Not as much luck for me but I am going back out for another day so hopefully that will be my time.  I'm so excited for the holidays this year except that I have to work almost all of them.  I love the holiday season!  We wish that we could be celebrating with a new addition but hopefully things will fall into place soon and that dream will be a reality.

Time to hunt

I am excited to leave for my elk hunt in a few days.  It's my first elk hunt ever so I'm nervous as well.  There is always great memories made on our hunting/camping trips especially when the kids are around.  A few years ago when we were deer hunting Ally wanted to sleep in our tent so she slept on my cot with me.  When we woke up in the morning it was really cold and she needed to go potty so she tells Uncle Tony to take her.  As soon as she lifter the covers and felt the cold she says NEVER MIND!  We were laughing so hard.  Never a dull moment with those guys.

Moments

Since my last post I have had a few of those "ah-haaaaa" moments.  Sometimes you just have to sit down, take a deep breath and say REALLY?!  I've learned that honesty and being trust worthy are traits that not everyone has.  I've had to learn who to trust and who not to trust and considering that I'm working in a new environment with all new people this can be tough.  Luckily I have met some pretty great people that I can't wait to get to know better.  I've learned that there s somethings that are completely and totally out of my control, and that's hard for me to be ok with.  I know what I have to do but it seems like my heart and my head are not communicating right now.  For some people the things I feel is difficult may be easy for them and things that are easy for me may be hard for them.  It's hard to find friends that are willing to accept your imperfections and love you no matter what.  I've learned that you can go for years not talking to a friend and finally get to reconnect (on facebook of course) and it's like we never lost touch.  She is there even though we are miles apart.  Thank you Chelsea!  Of course there are those friends that I wish we could just go back and make sure we never lost touch  Unfortunately it's not that easy and hopefully one day it will change.  Maybe it will change this weekend since it's my ten year reunion.  Wow ten years already! 
I read something today that really moved me so I thought I would share it with everyone.
Once there were two expectant mothers.
One carried and cared for you beneath her beating heart
She became your Birthmother.
The other carried the hope of you within her.
She became your Mom.
I can't wait for this process to be over and I can finally say I'm a mom.  Everyone always says that once you have a child your world changes and you have to make choices based on your child.  In our world this has been our way of thinking for the last four years.  The one missing piece to our puzzle is a child.  This whole process has been full of moments we will never forget.  Some good, some bad but in the end it has made us stronger. 

4 years of hope

Over the last week or two I have started working my new schedule and I'm not gonna lie its gonna take some time to get used to.  It's a much different world then what I was used too.  Luckily I have a good partner and the other crews on my shift are great too.  The downside to this schedule is I feel like I'm missing a lot of family time and I'm not getting to see my husband very much.  I do a lot of traveling each week even though I am staying with family on the nights I'm on shift.  I usually get to come home for about a day and a half before having to go back.  On the bright side we have an appointment with the adoption agency in a few days which also happens to be our anniversary.  It will be our 4th anniversary and looking back on those four years I realize how much we have experienced.  With all of the fertility procedures, testing, and emotions that comes with it has only made us stronger.  Even though there are days that we feel weak we know we must be strong and look for the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Fears

I was watching TV earlier and saw a show about a famous couple who are struggling with infertility.  It is nice to see someone with every resources at their fingertips struggle just like us.  The feelings I have about IVF (invitro fertilization) other women feel as well.  The nervousness, the fear of pain, the fear of failure, and even the fear of it being successful.  I'm not gonna lie there are days it's not easy to stay positive and I wish that there was a fast forward button to see how this is going to play out.  Which ever direction we decide to go I'm just excited to see what happens.  I hope the choices we make now will make our kids proud.

What a way to start the day

So I have my first two shifts under my belt and it wasn't the easiest I have to say.  My first day I was getting ready and I stay with family in between my shifts so I don't have to drive as much and my Grandma has a vanity mirror that I was using to put my makeup on.  I hear a pop and look down and saw the mirror had cracked about 2 inches.  Of course I am angry now because this is not how I want to start my first day.  So after a few curse words and throwing a small fit I go back to getting ready and the dang mirror cracks the rest of the way to the edge.  All I could say was COME ON!!!  So after this I'm worried how my day will be since I am a little superstitious when it comes to work.  So of course I fell out of the ambulance once, got thrown up on, and felt pretty lost in the area all day.  My second day was a little easier thank goodness even though we stayed pretty busy. Being away from home for days at a time is rough and makes me pretty homesick.  It's a little harder than I thought it would be but I'm sure eventually it will get a little easier.  Other than that nothing to exciting has happened with us.  Which isn't a bad thing! 

Ice cream and stress......What a great combo!

Well this week has been kinda like a roller coaster for us. Right after we decided to move forward with the adoption, I got the news that I may be getting moved to a full time spot in Prescott. Which means more driving, waking up at 3am, and less money. And I only get this spot as long as I have the most seniority of everyone putting in for it. If I don't get this spot then I will have no full time position at all. After getting this news we decided the adoption is not the best idea right now since we don't really know whats going on yet. So with everything going on I have been under a lot of stress. My sister was letting me vent the other night and I told her I was going home to get "chip faced". And that's exactly what I did! A nice bowl of ice cream always makes you feel better. :)